So I know a few people suffer from anxiety and write about their story of suffering with it, so I’m going to share my story. One because I feel like it’s not spoken much about and two, I feel it will help me get to grips with how I feel in myself about my anxiety.
I’ve always been a time freak. I hate being late, I hate people being late, I really struggle at the doctors/dentist who are always running late and catching public transport is a nightmare. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember, but only in the past month have I realised that I have a very strong anxiety over this matter.
If you say you’ll meet me at 10am, don’t be any later. You said 10am, be there! You didn’t say 10:05am! Yeah, even if your 5minuets late I start to panic. If you’ve texted or called to say you’re running late, then that’s cool I understand, and I’m grateful you told me, but if I get nothing, no communication, I start to freak out. I get fidgety, I pace, my knee starts bouncing, I get all flustered and my breathing gets faster. I’m a big mess ball.
When someone says to me let’s meet at 10am, I’m there at least 20mins early or on the dot. We said 10am and I’ll stick to it. The upside however is I’m never late for work, but that’s probably the only upside.
Public transport is the worst part of it all. And thinking about it, I guess I get anxious because I’m not in control of the situation/outcome. For example…
In the morning my train leaves at 7:05am but I’ll get to the station for 6:40am. Why? One because I hate being late for work, so if I know I’m at the station I’m going to get there. Two what if something happens and I can’t get to work, then I need time to organise another way in. Three I hate being hot a stressed out from running to catch the train, it makes me feel sick and gross. And when I get hot, I stress out more because I’m hot and it goes in a circle.
I don’t know if you inherit anxiety or if it’s the nurturing of family members, but this definitely came from my dad. He is very organised, so organised he writes out an itinerary for our family holidays so we know what time exactly we need to be on the train, where we need to meet, what time check in is, when the flight is, when we take off etc.
But it’s really effective my life. I went for dinner with my friends and I knew it would take me 15minuets to get from the restaurant to the station for me to catch my 8:20pm train, but I had to leave at 7:40pm so I knew I had extra time just in case. I didn’t even order food to eat in!! I ordered a take away which even that started to flair the anxiety. What if it didn’t come? What if it wasn’t ready and I had to leave? Do I ask where it is?
I know this is a pretty long winded post, but it feels good to let it out. And I know some people will say, but nothing bad is going to happen if your late, there’s still another train, and you still met up with your friends. Yes you’re right and I agree. But unfortunately my brain doesn’t. It’s horrible and I hate feeling like this on a daily basis. But it’s who I am and I’m going to have to accept it.
Have you got any anxieties?